My neurologist (Dr. K) called a few minutes ago. Although I have not yet received the results of the head CT, she has. My brain is clear of tumors, thank God, but there is a finding that looks like new metastasis in my skull. Next step is a bone scan, and I’ll get the paperwork started on that as soon as I receive the referral from from her later today.
My first reactions:
On the phone with Dr. K I was calm, focused, asked appropriate questions.
As soon as I hung up I burst into heavy, wordless sobbing. I called a very close friend who at first couldn’t tell if I was laughing or crying. We prayed together and I calmed down. I know that some of my friends follow my Twitter and Facebook messages, so I posted there. All the while, crying, crying.
I went up to the little oratory (small chapel) upstairs and prayed for strength and wisdom and the grace to be a reflection of our loving God whatever happens next. I remembered that I am not alone, not in this life and not in the next, and I remembered to give thanks to God for my life and all the good gifts I have received so far. I became calmer.
Now I am writing a blog post, and I am calmer still. Writing is good for me. Words soothe me. Get the turmoil outside of me.
Why was I crying so hard? I don’t really know. I’ve been living with cancer for so long now and it’s been years since I reacted so strongly at bad news. It’s not fear at this point; more like frustration and anger. I am tired of this! I hate being an invalid. I hate having to limit my activities. I hate having pain. I hate living with uncertainty. I hate this entity that entered my life and body unbidden and is now calling so many of the shots!
The storm passes quickly. I find my center again. I try not to get upset with myself for getting upset – after all, God created us with emotions so they must be good! I get upset, I recover, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. When I can’t do it myself, I get help. Together, we muddle through.