I’m fine, I’m angry, I’m crying, I’m fine…

I’m not a pretty picture at the moment. Today is Friday. On Tuesday morning I’ll have the bone scan to verify the extent of the new mets (metastasis), and the results from that should probably come in a few days later. I am stressed and anxious and my mood is changing with astonishing frequency.

For the first few days after I learned about the new lesions in my skull I was doing the Denial Dance with great energy. It’s a clerical error; they sent me someone else’s results. Well, okay these are my results but the radiologist read the pictures wrong. Okay, the radiologist saw what she saw, but it’s artifactual; nothing wrong with me at all. Okay, there really are skull lesions, but they are from a childhood injury. And so on.

Huge debts of gratitude to the dear friends who supported me while I went through those painfully distorted maneuvers, especially to the MD down south and the RN up north. You two have been wonderfully supportive and also demonstrated great forbearance by not laughing at me until I was ready to laugh at myself. Thank you.

So, I’m pretty much past that now (except for occasional moments of “No! Nonononono!”), but still very stressed. My mood is… labile. I switch from finding everything funny to sobbing pitifully in nothing flat. At times I can pray and find my center in prayer, and at other times I can’t sit still for two consecutive minutes. I can work productively or not at all. I frenetically clean my house or I sit motionless.

I’ve never been one for half-measures, but this is ridiculous!

Just yesterday I whined to a friend about not understanding why I’m like this. My friend wisely did not explain it to me at that time, did not say, “Um… can you spell S-T-R-E-S-S?” Today I decided to write a post, and as soon as I opened the interface I realized that this is all just a stress reaction. Why couldn’t I see that yesterday? I was too stressed out, I guess.

11 thoughts on “I’m fine, I’m angry, I’m crying, I’m fine…

  1. Your every reason and every right to be stressed. This is emotionally exhausting and physically draining. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself passes on everything right now. You are up against a big challenge and it makes perfect sense that it would be knocking you for a loop.

    Grant yourself some indulgence. I personally authorize it. 🙂

  2. Dear Telling Knots –
    This beautiful hymn might be appropriate just now:

    As water to the thirsty,
    as beauty to the eyes,
    as strength that follows weakness,
    as truth instead of lies,
    as songtime and springtime
    and summertime to be,
    so is my Lord,
    my living Lord,
    so is my Lord to me.

    Like calm in place of clamor,
    like peace that follows pain,
    like meeting after parting,
    like sunshine after rain,
    like moonlight and starlight
    and sunlight on the sea,
    so is my Lord,
    my living Lord,
    so is my Lord to me.

    As sleep that follows fever,
    as gold instead of grey,
    as freedom after bondage,
    as sunrise to the day,
    as home to the traveler
    and all we long to see,
    so is my Lord,
    my living Lord,
    so is my Lord to me.

    Words: Timothy Dudley-Smith
    Words © 1979 Hope Publishing Co., Carol Stream, IL 60188.

    You can hear a reasonable rendition on Youtube at

    Hope it helps

  3. the deal is , it’s a BIG damn life 101 deal………..the up and down is not only expected but normal………..do not overrun the one i luv named Knottelling……………

  4. You have every reason to be unreasonable, and then some. Praying that you will find peace and be able to hold onto it. I also agree with James.
    Blessings
    Maxine

  5. With you this day in the ups and downs – sometimes all I can lend is presence and thought and to let you know you are carved in the palm of my hand.

  6. Cancer knocks you on your emotional rear end. If you didn’t react to it with shock, I’d wonder about your emotional state. That you are emotional is a sign of health. That you used denial and anger and tears lets me know that you are working through this. I’m sorry that I have been silent. I haven’t known how to comfort you. I just want you to know that I’m here listening. This is a rocky road home so I expect there will be some skinned knees. I understand. You can say what you need to say. I hope today went well. I will be reading to find out the results. I am praying for you, sending you love.

  7. Many thanks to all of you. I’m sorry I haven’t responded earlier or individually, but I just can’t seem to do that right now.

    You are all wonderful people! Thank you for being here for and with me.

  8. Pingback: Denial – What does it feel like? « Telling Knots

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