Angry

ExplosionI’m angry. I have every reason to be angry, and I am angry. I know all about anger as negative energy. I know all about how nice, well-educated religious ladies aren’t supposed to be angry. I know all about ways to reframe the situation, ways to channel anger into positive pursuits. I wasn’t a psych professional for nothing.

But you know what? I don’t care. I am angry and I have every reason to be angry. I am angry and I going to keep saying that and acknowledging that part of my reality until I don’t need to any more.

I’ve talked about my idea of acceptance a lot in this blog, notably here. As I say again and again:

Accepting an unpleasant or bad situation – war or abuse or cancer, for instance – doesn’t mean that I endorse it or like it. It just means that I have looked at reality and noticed that it is real. Not accepting reality is fairly insane. 

Right now anger is part of my reality. Feelings are not the boss of me, as I also like to say. “My fundamental happiness takes nothing away from being sad or angry at a person or a situation, and the sadness or anger do not destroy the fundamental contentment,” as I wrote there. But feelings are real and they are part of the greater reality.

Okay. Now that we have all that out of the way – I’m angry! I’m furious! I’m enraged! No one in my family has had cancer – until me. Then I get cancer (how? who knows?) and I end up being one of the 30%. Lucky puppy me.

It used to be that when I got angry I’d go for a long walk or spend an hour on my exercise bike. I can’t do that any more. I can’t pound pillows or throw stuffed animals against the wall. But I can write. I can and do write. Homo verbalis – I use my words.

I am angry at cancer.

I am angry at awareness campaigns that don’t donate to research.

I am angry at people who call breast cancer “the good cancer”.

I am angry at my doctors for not having the tools to help me better.

I am angry at my body for being so weak and tired.

I am angry at the pain medicine that clouds my thought.

I am angry at people who stay away from me because terminal disease scares them.

I am angry, angry angry!

And then I come out the other side of the anger and I weep. I sob. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to get ready to say goodbye. I cry because I don’t know how much longer I have, and I cry because I don’t know if it would be worse for that to be a longer or a shorter time.

I cry and I become calmer. I may even be able to sleep tonight.

19 thoughts on “Angry

  1. I regret that so many miles separate us, for I’d love to keep you company while you have a good cleansing cry. Peace be with you, my dear.

  2. You are ENTITLED to be furious. If you are not, who is? And if not you, who? And if not now, when? If you would like to license me to, I will go out in the forest and throw rocks at trees on your behalf.
    Loving you, praying for you, wishing I were there.

  3. Oh man, this all sucks so BAD. I’m glad you posted about how angry you are. I’m angry about it, too.

  4. I can only know what you feel second-hand. My younger sister has cancer too, and I am angry and I want to shout at my own impotence to help her, to help you, to help every friend who is suffering from that awful disease.

    I can’t give you any comfort; words are useless. I can only tell you how much I admire you.

  5. Knots, I wish I could be there to give you the hug and company you deserve. I’m angry too. Angry that you have to go through any of this and feel this and experience this. I’m effing pissed off! Effing cancer!!!!!!!!!! FUCK CANCER! LEAVE MY FRIEND ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    (((((hugs)))))

  6. You must have read my anger post! That’s supposed to be a joke. Sorry if it’s not very funny. Seriously, you have every right to feel angry. Feel it. Write about. Shout about it. Cry about it. Validate it however you need to. Let others validate it some more. Doing this doesn’t change things much, but I hope it helps let some of the “steam” out. Hugs.

  7. Your feelings are real, Sister–I’m glad you could express them–and hope they bring some calm, if not peace, now that they’re out.

    Thanks for dumping–and it must really suck. But you can be a saint later…

    Blessings! Bill

  8. For all the impotence of anger… just saying it here, gives a voice to others anger as well. Those who no longer speak and loved life dearly. You are as always a blessing in my life, I too am angry and hate what you are going through and want to fight back. You don’t deserve this and I wish I could take it away.

  9. Damn straight you are angry, I would be more than just a little angry. All the things you said DITTO!! If I lived closer I’d pick you up go to the nearest hole drink ourselves stupid.!!!! . man haven’t done that since I was a teenager lol . . If I drank that is.. but all I can offer is my support and know you have a whole lot of love that surrounds you from all of your blogging friends and outside this circle… Love Alli XXX

  10. Whew! I hope it helps to vent. My blogging helps me that way…until the emotions build again. For me today, it was sadness that spilled out. I thank God most days are peaceful. The anger and sadness are exhausting!

  11. Yours is the same kind of anger my 80 year old gorgeous aunt is going through – very, very angry – where did this cancer come from, who gave it permission to enter my body, I want to get a knife and cut it all out, it does not belong here! She is also very angry with God, asking why does he let people suffer so immensely, what is the suffering for? I will read your post to her – so she knows others are angry about cancer as she is.

  12. Wow!

    I am so impressed and moved by your comments and reactions. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don’t really know what else to say. Reading what you write is like being gently hugged and held by each of you.

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