Pink-to-ber n A portmanteau coinage used by many people who live with breast cancer to refer to October, the Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is heavily dominated by marketing in the color pink and cute tags like “Save the tatas”. (See Komen, etc.)
During the month of October 2013, I am running guest posts from people with metastatic breast cancer (MBC) or who are closely involved with someone who has MBC. This was the idea of the wonderful Jody Schoger, and I think some other breast cancer bloggers are participating, too.
Today we are hearing from another young woman with metastatic cancer, Melissa Ross. Melissa already had Stage IV breast cancer when she was diagnosed at not quite forty-one years of age. That was four years ago, and today Melissa is NED (has no evidence of disease). “I accept that the cancer is not gone, never will be, unless some miracle in research happens in the next few years,” she writes. “We ride the same train.” Melissa has a special message to share. Let’s listen and give her a very warm welcome!
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I read a lot of blogs about what people don’t like about breast cancer, the treatments, the ridiculous things that people say and do when they find out you have it, the pain, the fear, the anger. All of this is true and real, and everyone who is diagnosed with the disease has every right to voice these things. When I was initially diagnosed, I had many of these same feelings, and some days I still do. But today I want to write about another aspect of breast cancer, at least for me. My diagnosis, like anyone who is diagnosed with a serious illness, was life changing. Change, any kind of change, is not inherently bad or good. It has both bad and good, if you look for them. Too often in the world we only talk about all the bad things that happen, and don’t put enough emphasis on the good things. So today I want to write about some of the good things that have come out of this experience for me. This may not be true for everyone, we each have our own path to walk, but this is my path.
I no longer wait for things to start. “When I turn 21 I will travel the world”, “when I buy my first house I will have children”, “when I pay off my debts I will remodel my bathroom”. Well, I never traveled the world at 21, and I can no longer have children, so I am not waiting to have that bathroom I have always dreamed of. We are taught that there must be an order to our life, a time to do certain things, but this can be so misleading. Go to school, get a job, find a mate, get married, have kids, buy a house, retire. It does not always hold true, nor should it have to. My cancer threw me out of the framework that I had built for myself, it made me realize that my life can be whatever I want it to be, I don’t have to wait for the right time, or place, or situation. This has allowed me to enjoy wonderful experiences, see beautiful places, and meet amazing people. All things I would have missed out on because the “time” wasn’t right.
I love my life. Really love it. I love waking up and seeing the sunlight through the window, smelling the air, walking the dog. I love that I am alive, even the so called “bad” things about life. Do I have pain? Yes. But better to have pain than having nothing. Do I get angry? Yes. But isn’t it wonderful that I get to feel the amazing emotions than to have nothing at all? Perhaps truly accepting that I will not have this forever, that I will one day leave this world and all the crazy, screwed up, fantastic things that are in it, makes me appreciate it all the more, and that whatever comes after this will not be the same, that I will never see that sunlight again, never feel the fire of my anger, never have the physical sensations that we too often take for granted. Life, any life, is truly a blessing, without it, there is nothing.
I am a happy person. When I catch myself not being happy, whether its stress over work, stupid drivers, or idiots blabbering away on TV, I realize that my unhappiness is not due to the world, it is due to me, specifically, my expectation that things should be different than they are. I try very hard to let go of these expectations, to choose to be happy. I now know that happiness is not determined by something outside of me, it is mine, I own it, and nothing can change that except me.
Would I return all of this to not have cancer? Of course I would, I’d be an idiot not to, but it is not an option that is available to me, so I must take the things I have been given, both good and bad, and make the best of them. In the end, that is all anyone can do.