I need a grown-up to help me today.

I don’t often use this blog to talk in detail about my health issues, but today I’ll make an exception. For the past several weeks or couple of months I’ve been experiencing disturbing symptoms that may be caused by any one of a number of different things, from the dire to the trivial. But since I have metastatic breast cancer and a brain tumor is one of the possible causes of my symptoms, and the brain is one of the places breast cancer metastasizes to, my neurologist is sending me for a CT (computerized tomography scan) of my brain.

She is asking for two sets of scans: one with and one without contrast agent (dye). The problem is that I’ve had a non-life-threatening allergic reaction to the contrast agent in the past, so I need special preparation with cortisone beforehand and a physician must be present when they administer the agent. Without going into the painful details, it is proving difficult to find the place and the people I need to talk to make these arrangements.

I’ve been trying for several days, and I am just not having any success. I’m usually very good at dealing with bureaucracy and administrative requirements, but I’m getting more and more frustrated and confused. And that is worrying me, because part of the reason I need the scan is because of a perceived impairment of my cognitive function.

So here I am. Anxious and tense and knowing what I need to do, theoretically able to do it (having done it in the past), and yet not able to do it. I feel out of my depth. I want a grown-up to take over for a while!

Instead, I’ll have a rest and listen to an audio book or watch a film and forget about it for today. Tomorrow morning I’ll be fresh and alert and I’m sure things will be much easier.

P.S. I’ve been trying to remember a familiar psalm or poem or quotation about anxiety and care being greater at night and less in the morning, but I can’t put my finger on it. Ring any bells? Anyone?

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